Breakup Avoidance In Three Easy Steps
Few things in life are as unpleasant as a breakup. There’s more than enough pain to go around, and things are said that can never be withdrawn. Breakups rarely leave friendships in their wake - the residue of a breakup can be every bit as acrimonious as that of a nasty divorce. Some breakups happen when the couple’s still in love, and that’s a real shame. It occurs when conditions within the relationship are so dramatic that their staying together simply isn’t possible.
It’s easy to tell when a long-term relationship is on the rocks. There’s something missing, always, in the environment - the gentle banter of conversation at the table and in the home, even when they’re each involved in different activities. Each always appears to be too busy to accompany the other. The level of tension between them is palpable.
The things that they enjoyed when they first came together now are ignored - physical intimacy has long since been abandoned, and the stolen caresses and casual touches that characterize a healthy relationship are absent. The home feels more like a prison cell.
Relationships can frequently be rescued - many times the couple doesn’t want to split up, they just feel pushed, or they misunderstand each other’s intentions. If this is the case, their first step is to overcome the coldness between themselves long enough to sit together and talk about their problems and deal with them together. If the relationship’s been going downhill for a while, the troubles won’t all be solved in a single conversation. This is just a start, and it’s sufficient even if the only conclusion they arrive at together is that they love each other enough to try to salvage it.
This conversation doesn’t have to be long, but it has to have meaning for each. They should contemplate privately on the essence of their talk and determine if their problems can be overcome. Each will have grievances, and so they each must be willing to make the commitment necessary to effect change. The commitment must be sincere; it can’t be just a “go with the flow” sort of assent made to appease the other.
When the couple has decided to work together to save their relationship, there’s still significant work to be done, not least of which is identifying just what the problems are. This is problem-solving time. You’re looking at the present and the future, and to get tangled up assigning blame (or the current buzzword, “accountability”) means giving up the future for the past. Stay concentrated on solving your problems realistically - never commit to a course of action you cannot live up to - that’s a betrayal of the trust the other has placed in the relationship and in you.
The second step is something you set about as soon as the first step is well underway - while you’re identifying and solving problems, discuss also your hopes and dreams - and how they might have changed since you first got together. Make new good memories together. If you cannot find these things together, yours may be that special kind of relationship where the couple don’t share interests or dreams, but their interests, goals and aspirations are complementary. As you pursue your varied interests you can still love and support each other while working to achieve those dreams.
Third, stay focused on rebuilding your relationship and making your future together. Don’t slip, don’t get lazy and fall back into the old habits of not communicating, and growing isolated. And when you need it, go ahead and ask for help. Now you’re at a point where you’ve become used to problem-solving, and when new issues crop up, you’re more than able to deal with them immediately so that they don’t become overwhelming. The time will come when, looking back, the two of you will realize that this crisis was probably the best thing that happened to you!
If you found this article helpful and would like to discover more ways to improve your relationship, also check out Don’t Break Up, Avoiding a breakup, and Second Chance Romance Review.
