Posts Tagged ‘surviving infidelity’

Don’t Let Broken Trust Destroy Your Marriage - Try These 3 Simple Techniques.

Vast numbers of couples and individuals today are desperate to prevent their marriage from dissolving. There are of course countless reasons for a marriage to reach the stage where this is even a likelihood. However, amongst the top three reasons is the question of lack of trust. This may perhaps be a mutual lack or only one spouse lacking trust in the other.

The resulting outcome of lack of trust in a marriage is a considerable level of mutual stress.

Broken trust can result from quite simple things from not carrying out responsibilities and promises to serious matters such as infidelity significant addictions, violence and dishonesty. Once trust has been destroyed it is not always a simple matter to rebuild it. You have to earn trust and the only way to do this is to make it evident to your partner, in practical ways, that you have changed your behavior–not just by word but by deed. In this way trust may be re-established but it could very well take a significant period of time.

A key point. Never refute that you have been guilty of betraying a trust when your partner confronts you with the facts regarding your untrustworthiness. It is much better to agree to mend your ways otherwise re-establishing your trustworthiness will just be so much more difficult.

The effects of broken trust can be serious and may even result in divorce. 

Often the affected partner will suffer from bouts of depression, particularly when the untrustworthy spouse wont or doesn’t modify their ways. In this circumstance the whole family unit will be affected. A marriage break up is pretty much on the cards in this case and possibly the only way of resolving the trust issue is to seek professional help.

For those couples who have a pretty solid relationship (aside from lapses in trustworthiness) there is a simple formula to sorting out trust issues:

1. The first step to re-establishing trust is to admit responsibility for whatever it was that caused the lack of trust in the relationship in the first place.
2. The next move is to make a definite decision to alter the behavior that resulted in the broken trust.
3. The final step is to commit to making the transformation.

The vast majority of marriages are worth saving.  Issues of trust can usually be worked through if both parties are willing to understand that the process may be a long one. This is especially so if there have been major   transgressions on the part of one of the spouses that led to the breaking of trust. However, if love is still alive regardless, then you should consider giving your marriage every chance of success and happiness.

Surviving Infidelity: What Are the Solutions to An Extramarital Affair?

What is the trigger for an extramarital affair?

An affair may be sexual in nature or it could merely be a matter of infatuation with another member of the opposite or same gender. The beginnings of such “affairs” can very often be traced back to some aspect of a marital relationship that is missing for one reason or another. An extramarital affair is one of the three most serious issues affecting a marriage. It involves breaking the most sacred of trusts between a couple. As a consequence, most marriages are not capable of surviving infidelity.

One or more of the reasons itemised below, are generally referred to as the motivation/excuse for starting an extramarital affair:

1. My wife / husband has become tiresome.
2. I was taken advantage of at a time of weakness.
3. My partner has let themselves go, consequently I now don’t find them sexually attractive.
4. My secretary was always coming on to me especially after we’d had a drink or two together.
5. I have renewed my relationship with my ex.
6. No intimacy at home because of repeated business trips away.
7. My partner suffers from a distressing health condition and is not able to meet my needs for intimacy.

Some of the above may not be able to be resolved. However If both parties to the marriage have decided that they are bent on surviving infidelity and really want to rescue their marriage  then consideration needs to be given to several factors, for example:

• If the innocent spouse has had sexual relations with their marriage partner since the beginning of the affair, then it would be wise to have a medical check to find out whether there are any health issues that require medical treatment. This is a matter that shouldn’t be taken lightly. It is important to determine whether there has been any possible transmission of some kind of sexual disease to an innocent partner.
• The matter of trust also needs to be given careful consideration. Can I trust my spouse again after what they have put me and our family through?
• Is it really feasible for my spouse to break off the illicit relationship, or not to be lured into another extramarital relationship again even if they have promised that they will remain faithful in the future?
• Some serious thought needs to be given to involving a third party to provide marriage counseling to ensure that there is truly a determination on the part of both parties to make the marriage survive and that solutions and ground rules are firmly in place. It can be quite trying for both the person who has been affected by their partner’s extramarital affair, and the guilty partner, to sort out all the issues associated with this subject on their own.

If you are the blameless party and are really interested in forgiving your spouse, and putting your marriage back on track, there may very well be a distinct possibility of achieving this if:

• Your partner voluntarily divulged the affair to you.
• They are open when grilled about it.
• They have told you that they are remorseful for having strayed.
• They have agreed to sever all contact with the other party.
• They have agreed to undergo counseling.

An extramarital affair doesn’t have to mean the conclusion of a marriage if you both truly have the desire and the inclination to fix your relationship then marriage reconciliation is wholly possible.

Marital Infidelity, Foundation Of Suffering

Of all the causes of marital discord and breakdown, perhaps infidelity is the most painful. Infidelity is the breaking of the most sacred of all vows, the marriage vows.

What is the source of all this pain? Look at the lives of Sue and Joe as they experience the pain of dealing with infidelity.

Sue was the kid next door when Joe was growing up. During hi senior year, they began dating and in his junior year in college, Joe proposed. They have three children, a girl and two boys.

As most couples, this one had problems with money. When the children started school Joe told Sue he could work late and increase their income. This actually did not seem to solve their problems. Joe was almost never home. Sue said something that irritated Joe and he moved out.

After a time to cool off, Joe calls Sue and apologizes. During the call, he also admits that the reason there is no extra money is that he has been involved with someone else. He suggests that he and Sue should find a counselor and try to reconcile.

Sue was heartbroken and unsure that she would ever be able to forgive Joe. The person she had known for most of her life was not the man she thought he had been. She had trusted with her deepest secrets had betrayed her and she was deeply hurt.

Most of us would like for this story to end with reconciliation, however most of these stories do not end this way. Infidelity’s pain is not quickly erased. The mistrust often ends in divorce.

Even marriages where couples decide to remain together find very difficult days as emotions sometimes get the best of them. It only take one time for Joe to have some unexplained time and Sue feels doubt. Joe also knows that there is always plan “B.”

The once strong system of support offered by friends and extended family may also be shattered. Visits may not come as often as they once did. Sue not only feels she cannot confide in Joe, but feels abandoned by friends also.

If divorce ensues, children are often torn between the parents. When one parent relocates to a new city, visitation becomes more limited. Many times they see the parent they do not live with only one or two times yearly at most. Children are pained by the lack of quality time spent with the parent. Parents loose the close contact they once had with their children.

The pain does not end at the judge’s bench however. If Sue is fortunate enough to find a new partner for life, her previous husband’s infidelity marriage can also affect this new relationship. How can she ever trust again.

Joe’s money troubles have only just begun. Divorce and living the divorced lifestyle is an expensive process, both financially and emotionally. He now pays child support and has to pay his own rent or home payment as well as other bills. Joe also feels the pain of his failure. Infidelity has also brought pain to the instigator.

While infidelity may be tempting, remember that there is a high pain price to pay because surviving infidelity can be harder. It’s all about marital infidelity.